Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Longing for the Ordinary

Extraordinary days in an ordinary life….this is the title of my blog.  I am beginning to believe that my life is extraordinary, and I would love to have an ordinary day!  Recently, none of my days have been ordinary, and I am reeling from the adrenaline flow, the pushing and pulling from tension and stress, and from riding the emotional  waves of my life. 

This morning I am sitting in the family waiting area at Saint Joseph’s Hospital while a friend has knee replacement surgery.  He didn't want to burden his children with feeling they needed to change their daily schedules for him, so I volunteered to bring him this morning and be with him today.   While sitting here all morning has not been my idea of a fun day, it has allowed me to do some writing, catch up on correspondence, and to spend a little down time with no interferences bombarding me.

This past month has been one of reflection and introspection squeezed in with record numbers at the boarding kennel where I work, creating hectic and harried days, and causing my mind to reel and my body to scream at me to slow down.   Emotions have been resting on the surface of my skin, bringing forth free-flowing tears, a grand showing of my stubborn streak, and a severe case of tunnel vision.  I have not been an easy person to be around.   I have also discovered that the past couple of years of my life have done some damage I had not been aware of.  I am having a terrible time learning to trust again, of allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable, and of being able to express my feelings in a comprehensible language.  I have footprints all over my face from putting my foot into my mouth, and a few bruises where my words have caused my foot to kick me squarely in the face!  I have not been very happy with myself.

I wrote in my journal this morning in an attempt to understand my patchwork quilt of recent feelings and emotions.  I dare not go back and read it – I am afraid it may not make much sense!  I’d like to exchange this quilt for a monotone colored blanket of dull and faded colors.  I want a little ordinary in my life more than anything in this world right now.   A little normal would be mighty nice.

As I sit here waiting, the ordinariness of this waiting room comforts me while I listen to bits and pieces of conversations as people discuss the surgeries that are happening behind the big brown double doors, and as I tune in on phone conversations informing loved ones of successful operations.  I also can’t help but overhear conversations of people sharing tidbits of life as they wait for the doctor to walk through the doors.  This is life.  This is an extraordinary day for a room full of ordinary people.

And I am one of them.   Somehow this makes me feel better.