Sunday, July 21, 2013

Hitching My Wagon to a Star

I’m not sure where I heard this phrase, but it has become part of my vocabulary, and I use it often when talking to people about their relationships, dreams, and goals.

This past week in New York City, I found myself in a conversation with a fascinating young man who was attending Brian’s private screening of his movie, “Checking In.”  As we became acquainted through our conversation, I learned that Brian had recently officiated at the wedding of this gentleman and his partner.  He shared with me some of his feelings about how wonderful it was to be married to the man he loved and to be able to call his partner his husband.   I said something about him hitching his wagon to the star of his partner, from which a new conversation began about what the phrase means.  I also commented that I felt that Brian tied a strong knot whenever he officiated at a marriage, to which he smiled and confirmed that he believed his knot was secure.

I have been single for over a year now.  I have met a couple of men that I liked, but until this past April, none whose star shone brightly and strongly enough for me to think about hitching my wagon to.   Now, as I move through the first stages of a new relationship, I am re-thinking this phrase, and wondering if it is applicable to my life anymore.   At sixty-five, I consider whether I want to hitch my wagon to another’s star, or if maybe I’d prefer to pull up alongside his star and travel side by side while still hitched to my own star.    Or perhaps we could hitch our individual wagons in tandem to both of our stars and travel the universe together while not fully letting go of our own vehicles.  Could this make our journeys through life easier - us sharing each other’s load?  Would this be possible in a healthy relationship?  I’d like to think it could.

I have to admit that I am a bit shell-shocked after my last experience.  I trusted totally, and followed blindly behind a star that was in its last stages before burning out in tragedy.   I thought I was smart and strong, but I wasn’t.  It has left me somewhat bewildered and befuddled about relationships, questioning if I will ever be able to be in a healthy and solid relationship.  I find myself insecure about myself and my ability to love, and often in a confused state of mind.   I don’t want to ruin what I have found, because this new one is a rare gem, and one I don’t want to lose or throw away. 
Can I hitch my wagon to his star, and do I want him to hitch his to mine?  I don’t know.  On this day in my collection of days, I ponder life and relationships, and hope that somehow the right path will be revealed to me. 

 I also hope I don’t crash my wagon in the process!